The Exploitation of Dan and Me
By Andrew Burns
Dedicated to our awesome extras who made Pendragon possible

There were strange things done
Under the sun
In the quest for San Antone;
The production trails
Have their secret tales
That would turn your heart to stone.

The studio lights
Have seen cruel sights,
But the cruelest they ever did see,
Was the way that Chad
And his Uncle and Dad
Exploited Dan and me.

We read on the net
Of a movie set,
And a film that they were a makin’
And if we came,
They promised fame,
And the glory was ours for the takin’

With our chance so near,
We left with our gear,
Which was little more than our clothes,
And we talked all the way,
Of the parts we would play,
And the size of our starring roles.

When we got to the set,
We kinda started to sweat;
Tim said, “Where’s the swords and the towers?”
Chad said, “Have no fear!
We are glad you are here,
But we won’t begin filming for hours.”

“But there’s plenty to do,
Why, you’re one of the crew,”
Chad said as we signed the release.
Then he tossed me a shirt,
All grimy with dirt,
And so began the great fleece.

In the summer, the swelter,
In winter, no shelter,
How we loathed this silly fool’s romp,
But we didn’t complain,
‘Til it started to rain,
And we stood knee deep in the swamp.

In ninety degrees,
We were on our knees,
“Just one more take,” Chad cried,
But in a moment we knew,
‘Twas too good to be true,
For yet again he’d lied.

Two hours later,
I was baked like a tater,
And I begged for a drink of cold water,
Ambrosius barked out,
“Get busy, you lout,
And carry this box for my daughter.”

Another extra went down,
And Chad looked around,
For a charge on the Saxons they were leadin.’
He looked over at Tim,
And said, “Let’s use him!”
And the next thing I knew Tim was bleedin.’

Then he yelled, “Grab that bum!”
And threw me in the scum,
And an axe hit my head with a thud.
His hands gave a clap,
And he cried, “That’s a wrap!”
And they all left us there in the mud.

When I finally woke, skin all bruised, bones all broke,
A letter lay by my hospital bed.
As we lay there recoopin,’
Our spirits were droopin,’
because of what this letter said.

The note was from Chad,
And it said he was sad,
To recant what he’d told us before.
That despite his best means,
It seemed all our scenes,
Ended up on the cutting room floor!